#Murray is played by Gérard Depardieu

[mastrogepetto]

Some time ago, I found a post by galactic-dragoness about a Sly Cooper Coffee Shop AU where, as the name suggests, the titular gang decide to open a coffee shop to use as their base of operations in between heists as they go after the Fiendish Five.

And like most things she's posted both on tumblr and on AO3, she's put enough spin on the idea that I would be interested in reading such an AU. Not so much for the coffee shop setting itself, but the double life aspects Sly would have to balance in order to pull it off, and all the wonderful ways it can (and will) fall apart all around him. Carmelita finding out that the charming and handsome coffee shop owner she's been dating is none other than the Ringtail she's been hunting across the continent, the strain on Sly's and Bentley's relationship as the former starts considering a life outside thievery and the latter's feelings of betrayal, Clockwerk burning the cafe down because he's just that petty. There's a lot of potential here.

And since I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing again, I want to try my hand at this idea. So far, I have decided upon the following:

•Sly was inspired by Roichi's sushi shop and the stories his father would regale him with about the ninja that would sell sushi by day and steal from the shogun at night.

•Bentley is the most against the idea, because of the paperwork that would be involved and the potential drain on their time and resources the shop could pose. He relents, so long that Sly agrees to play by the rules he sets, like fake names, wearing a snowboard mask and goggles while on the job, the whole shebang.

•Murray is all for the idea of the cafe, partially because he wants to feel useful to the gang beyond just driving them places, partially because he wants to make it the home for his best friends that the orphanage never was. And although home is where your family is, the concept of safe houses always seemed too cold and impersonal for him.

•Sly and the gang start running proper heists from the ripe age of 15, dancing around the orphanage's schedules and hiding their money in an oak tree.

•Naming the shop proves almost as challenging as opening the damned thing.

•Sly keeps suggesting self-indulgent names like "Maître Voleur" et cetera.

•Bentley's suggestions are drier than flour. He doesn't get the point of atmosphere.

•Murray's suggestions are an overly long gag. I.e. he picks ridiculously long names that just wouldn't fit on any reasonable sign. His star suggestion is "Le petit café élégant et convivial aux délicieuses pâtisseries tenu par un raton laveur, une tortue et un hippopotame". It's one of the short ones.

•Eventually, they settle on "La pie en fût". The Casked Magpie. Or Cooper Thief, as Bentley interprets it. He believes that Sly is being coy again, but finds the name inoffensive enough that he lets it slide.

•Sly lets him believe that.

•They set shop somewhere along the Seine river, a short walk away from Interpol's headquarters. They hope to take advantage of the rumour mill and keep an ear open for potential heists or the fiendish five, since Interpol is still in the process of digitising and a lot of this information is still physical.

•This makes them targets for our favourite marine iguana, Dimitri Lousteau, since he had set eyes on the location for his own franchises for similar reasons. He sends goons to coerce the gang to sell him the shop first chance he gets.

•Enter Carmelita Fox. She drives the thugs away with her badge and attitude from what she assumes to be an everyday protection scheme. She meets the gang and assumes they are nothing more than a bunch of 18 year olds trying to start a business.

•Sly introduces himself as Sylvester Raton-laveur, but tells Carmelita to call him Sly.

•Bentley strangles Sly with his bare hands.

•Dimitri doesn't stop going after the shop. However, he not only realizes that he and Sly are cut from the same cloth, but that Sly is actually a Cooper. He decides to take advantage of the situation. In exchange of running the shop whenever the gang are on their little "business trips", Sly will run some jobs for Dimitri, maybe share some of the things he learns from his customers. On threat of course of revealing his operation to Interpol and blowing the whole thing sky high.

•Each of the Fiendish Five have stolen a portion of the book pertaining to their themes and interests.

•Raleigh stole the parts with the gadgets the Coopers used. Otto van Cooper's designs, Bruce O'Coop's computer science, Thaddeus's diatribes on the art of disguise and so on. Tips on basic thievery are also here.

•Muggshot stole the movement techniques. Rioichi's and Tennesse's techniques, the roll, the dive et cetera. He also purchased Slaigh McCooper's secrets to tapping into hysterical strength from the Panda King. (Infuriating Sly to no end that they would trade his heritage between themselves like baseball cards.)

•Mz. Ruby took the more mystical arts, like Invisibility and attracting coins to oneself. She has the smallest share of the Thievious Raccoonus, because Clockwerk took the parts with the real juice in them.

•The Panda King's portion deals with advanced techniques that precisely control one's mind and body. Using your fur's static electricity, accelerating and decelerating one's perception of time, controlling your body's temperature, your heartbeat, tapping into hysterical strength et cetera.

•Clockwerk stole the best parts of the book. Defying gravity, slowing and stopping time, deflecting fire, controlling the trajectory of projectiles after they have been fired and finally, teleportation. (Only a couple of feet though.) Everything that tilted the game too much in the Cooper's favour.

•Proud bastard that he is, Clockwerk never uses any of the book's techniques. After all, he is already perfect.

•His feud with the Coopers started before Slytunkhamen's time, during the Sumerian civilization's time. The son of florists, Clockwerk was an ambitious young man who wanted to become immortal through his legacy. When the gods took fire from mortals and threatened to turn them all into mindless beasts, Clockwerk was among those who made the journey for their abode to steal it back. He was the people's favourite, because he was large, strong and could fly. The winds were too cold and violent even for him though, so he failed like the rest.

•The one to succeed was his family's slave, a cooper that didn't even have the dignity of a name. He climbed the mountain, stole the fire by hiding it in a jar and brought it back to mortals.

•He didn't succeed on his first try, but every time he made the journey, he brought back survivors, among whom was Clockwerk himself.

•Hailed a hero, the nameless cooper was given freedom and a name. Although the name was lost to the annals of history, he is remembered to the present day through the myth of Prometheus and the general concept of the noble thief that steals from the rich and gives to the poor.

•Clockwerk grew to resent the first Cooper. He tried to outshine him by stealing treasures and artifacts, to prove himself the superior thief. Nothing he did seemed to measure up. His hatred reached a breaking point at the Cooper's funeral, who had lived a full life and was surrounded by friends and a large family, while all Clockwerk had to show for his life was an endless string of failures. He killed the Cooper's eldest son and ate his heart and liver. That failed to satiate his hatred though. The rest is history.

•Clockwerk managed to preserve himself through hatred alone, but his constant clashes with the Coopers took its toll over the centuries, leaving him a patchwork of scars. Until Slaigh McCooper knocked him out of the sky and tore his wing off, Clockwerk was fully organic.

Of course, this isn't everything I have in mind for the story. For example, I'm thinking of turning Mz. Ruby's stage into a genius loci of sorts that reflects the psyche of whoever it deems holds the reigns, mainly to explain away why the resident voodoo lady lives in a giant voodoo crocodile skull swamp. It could be a good opportunity for exposition. Sly sneaks in and confronts Mz. Ruby but loses the fight because of the invisibility she stole. She taunts him for burying his emotions beneath the thin veneer of a gentleman thief and throws a violin at him so that he can express himself (to mock him of course). Sly takes her up on the offer and boom, suddenly the whole swamp is a scorching vortex of fire, because of course the Fiendish Five burned his house down on top of everything else, leaving Mz. Ruby running for the hills with her hair on fire, Sly trapped and Carmelita having to rescue Sly from his own psyche. Maybe get a glimpse of the night of his parents' murder and start putting the pieces together about Sly's true identity.

I'm not too married to this particular idea just yet. Although Sly's lies will have to start to unravel eventually, with the Panda King providing the final nail in the coffin.

At the same time, I want Barkley to have a more prominent role in the story. Sow the seeds of doubt in Carmelita about how truthful Sly is being with her while quietly opening an investigation on the cafeteria shop owner that so happens to be the spitting image of Connor Cooper. (Until he can convince her though, everyone thinks Barkley is being racist. Or specist.)

(Whatever he is being, HR will have words with him over it.)

(Even if he is 100% correct.)